Honey, I'm Home!

broken glass.lately.. well for the past while things haven't been going too well and i know people have been asking me. but i don't feel 'right' telling them anything. i feel so uncomfortable when they ask me if something is wrong. burdens have just been piling up, like rocks inside a glass bowl, each one getting heavier and heavier til the bowl just shatters. course.. i didn't try this. but what did happen: i was gonna have some nice yummy dumplings then smart little me decides to drop the bowl onto the ground and it all shatters with my yummy [now destroyed] dumplings right in the middle. and that's like me. i've come to the point where i've been shattered and now there are broken pieces that have to be picked up. and right now i'm debating whether to write this out or not but y'know what. i don't care anymore. i'm not holding onto anymore of these stones. i'm not putting up anymore fronts. this is it. among the many things that have been on my mind for a while now:

school yea okay everyone complains about school and for the longest time, i'd just think to myself "why don't you just suck it up and work harder" but ever since i started taking calculus this semester, its been quite depressing. all the marks i've been getting back have been pretty much failing marks. and not that i'm in to marks but THIS YEAR COUNTS at least that's what the teachers say. *sigh* the bad thing is that i don't understand anything that's going on and i've come to realize that i can't think for myself. there is no way i'll make it anywhere if i can't think for myself. i feel sorry for those people who try to help me because no matter how hard they try to explain it, i still don't get it. its so painful. like seriously, i've sat here for hours working on one, SIMPLE FACTORING! question and it really sucks. i've contemplated how good it would feel to stab a pair of scissors through my chest. not cos i want to die but cos i just wanna let the pain out some other way. physics, i've given up on. the first week, i gave up. [failure again] and ex. science.. the other day i walked into a test feeling pretty confident. so confident that i didnt read the question. who walks into a test and doesn't bother reading questions?!... oh well, its over, i beat myself up all day for that yesterday and i guess i'm exhausted so i've given up on that.. can someone help me?

church this part is my fault. i've pretty much separated myself from everyone and its quite lonely. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone really at church. seriously, why else would i have kept all this stuff inside for so long if i had someone to talk to? i feel like jeremiah is going down and no one's there to stop it and i've put off talking to the councellors about my feelings about it for so long i've forgotten what i was so worried about. its like we've plateaued and we're heading no where. at least that's what i feel. i'm not getting anything out of it and i don't even know how i can help. i wanna help out with coffee house but it doesn't seem like anyone else out there has the same vision as me. and i went through this last year, where i [for some reason] had completely different ideas from everyone and there was no point in me voicing them because they were just pushed aside ne way. and i've decided i don't wanna sit in the back during morning worship ne more because all the people do at the back is talk and catch up with each other. i mean COME ON!.. so as much as i'd like to be sitting with my friends, i'd also like to get my life back on track. it says right on the powerpoint, if you'd bother to read it, PREPARE YOUR HEARTS FOR WORSHIP!... for so long, i've been trying to get through everything on my own because its like no one has the time to help. i know that's prolly not true and that there are lotsa people out there willing to help but i'm just unwilling to ask for it..

home ... i don't wanna talk about it ne more. i was going to rant about things here too but i think they're prolly too personal now and i guess it would be better to respect my family here.. oh well.

people i know i've been giving a lotta trash to some people lately and i'm sorry. i feel like i've been spread so thin and stretched so far by things [ie. home] and i've been really edgy and moody. whoever told me "you don't have to care for yourself cos your friends will take care of you" is the biggest liar to me right now. i'm just not a nice person. like i've shared with someone. i have a problem with trusting people because all my life, i've kept pretty much to myself.. i'd open up to people i didn't know because i was more comfortable with them. and as insane as that sounds, it worked for me. ... please bear with me :(

okay well i guess i feel a little better now .. not that anything is resolved and not that i want people to ask me how i feel now. i just needed to get everything out andi had to save my hands for writing out physics notes tonight.. and studying for calc.. there'll prolly be more to come later when i feel the need to rant cos i dont' really care if anyone reads this ne more.. just don't ask me how i'm doing...